I haven't been around in a while. Mostly because school started and I've been attacked with work of various sorts. My problem right now? Yeah, I can't find my Modern Euro homework. This is wierd, because I could swear I put it in that one folder that I have. But what does THAT sentence say about me? Oy.
But I miss this blog a lot. Hopefully this time I'm back for good.
So. I was considering feet the other day. Yes. True fact. Feet can be pretty damn attractive, I've decided. If it's the right pair of feet. On the right person. Or whatever. Don't even try to understand it, because I don't.
This thinking about feet led me to think about hands. I have always considered hands attractive. And wrists. An interesting fact about hands is that they can never lie. Like, you can have had thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery, but your hands will always reveal how old you are. What does this mean exactly? I’m not sure. But it’s still really cool.
I also learned the other day that The Nightmare Before Christmas is a metaphor for homosexuality. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be that way—although it supposedly was—but it definitely ended up like that. Watch it. You’ll see.
That's all I have for today.
I still love you, even if I don't know what love is.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
This can be more than flashing lights and sounds.
So I've changed layouts again. Back to my original template. I still like this one the best.
I have also changed my blog title and such things. The Artist In The Ambulance is actually a song. It's by a band called Thrice. I don't really know very much about them at all. They came up on my Pandora...I think. Anyway. This song. I love it. I know I say that a lot. But this one kind of epitomizes a lot of things that I come to in this blog. About improving myself and making existence more than it is right now. Trust me. Shall I pull another Grooveshark? Yes, yes I think I will.
See? Isn't that AWESOME??
Okay. So there is kind of a funny connection between that song and my subtitle. I was listening to it...Artist In The Ambulance, and I realized that part of it sounded familiar. I couldn't figure out why. And I didn't really. It was an accident when I did. I was looking for something a friend of mine had said in a post on Facebook. And it was in that post that I found part of the lyrics to the song. That post also ended, "im no hero but dont think i didnt care". Under normal circumstances, the horrible punctuation would have killed me. But it didn't. I love that sentence more then I can express. I didn't tell the guy who wrote it that I used it. He'll find out or he won't, depending on if he reads this.
I feel like I should explain why I love that so much. But I can't really figure out the words for it. I'm trying to. I really am. It's one of those things that just kind of...hit you. And you can't describe it beyond that. If I ever can, I will. But that might take away from it's amazingness.
On to something else that has been happening. I forgot how much I like being touched. EEEWWWW sicko. NOT like that. (So I know that just means I'M the sicko. But whatever). I was holding hands with three different people in the last twenty four hours. I was held in someone's arms. It was nice. I mean, of course my family hugs me, and my brother holds my hand sometimes. But that's different. It isn't the same connection.
I think I have a problem. I've already talked about my constant worry that people only pretend to like me? Well I think this is connected. When someone is willing to hold my hand, or hold me, or hug me, or anything like that, I have some subconsious affirmation that they truly do like me. If you can touch me, if you can show you care enough to do something like that, I know that you are truly someone who is my friend. I will lose that assurance within a week. But still. I felt for a little while.
I think I know why this is. When I was...well. In my worst years, I suppose...I was never touched. Other then my family, of course. Not even accidental brushes. I was and alien, I was diseased, whatever the rumor was that week. There was a bubble around me all the time. The one friend I had--who did not attend the same school--would not, and still doesn't, allow physical contact for more then five or six seconds. I understand how she feels that way. It doesn't bother me anymore. Because she is the one person I can always trust to care about me. Once again, my family is excluded from that.
That experience, though, is the one that caused my desire to be touched. Like Tommy.
I think it was those same years that made me such a hard-heart. I really think they shaped me entirley. But my hard heart has been causing problems recently. I suppose you could say that I wish I didn't have it. I wish I wasn't afraid to care about...well. Someone. I wish I could just care. Like a normal person. Without thinking about how stupid I am. How much I don't need him, how much I am better off alone. Because my defensive instinct tells me that I should stay safe and alone. But that part of me that isn't so afraid tells me otherwise. And my head wants me to relax. My head wants me to care without being careful. Because I do care. More than is particularly healthy. But at the same time? I don't. The soft parts of my heart care, and the hard parts won't let me.
I heard something somewhere once that we don't love with our hearts, but with our brains and our souls.
Oh God. How TEENAGE GIRL!!! I hate that. I hate that SO MUCH.
Ugh. I have to end this now.
Oy.
I have also changed my blog title and such things. The Artist In The Ambulance is actually a song. It's by a band called Thrice. I don't really know very much about them at all. They came up on my Pandora...I think. Anyway. This song. I love it. I know I say that a lot. But this one kind of epitomizes a lot of things that I come to in this blog. About improving myself and making existence more than it is right now. Trust me. Shall I pull another Grooveshark? Yes, yes I think I will.
See? Isn't that AWESOME??
Okay. So there is kind of a funny connection between that song and my subtitle. I was listening to it...Artist In The Ambulance, and I realized that part of it sounded familiar. I couldn't figure out why. And I didn't really. It was an accident when I did. I was looking for something a friend of mine had said in a post on Facebook. And it was in that post that I found part of the lyrics to the song. That post also ended, "im no hero but dont think i didnt care". Under normal circumstances, the horrible punctuation would have killed me. But it didn't. I love that sentence more then I can express. I didn't tell the guy who wrote it that I used it. He'll find out or he won't, depending on if he reads this.
I feel like I should explain why I love that so much. But I can't really figure out the words for it. I'm trying to. I really am. It's one of those things that just kind of...hit you. And you can't describe it beyond that. If I ever can, I will. But that might take away from it's amazingness.
On to something else that has been happening. I forgot how much I like being touched. EEEWWWW sicko. NOT like that. (So I know that just means I'M the sicko. But whatever). I was holding hands with three different people in the last twenty four hours. I was held in someone's arms. It was nice. I mean, of course my family hugs me, and my brother holds my hand sometimes. But that's different. It isn't the same connection.
I think I have a problem. I've already talked about my constant worry that people only pretend to like me? Well I think this is connected. When someone is willing to hold my hand, or hold me, or hug me, or anything like that, I have some subconsious affirmation that they truly do like me. If you can touch me, if you can show you care enough to do something like that, I know that you are truly someone who is my friend. I will lose that assurance within a week. But still. I felt for a little while.
I think I know why this is. When I was...well. In my worst years, I suppose...I was never touched. Other then my family, of course. Not even accidental brushes. I was and alien, I was diseased, whatever the rumor was that week. There was a bubble around me all the time. The one friend I had--who did not attend the same school--would not, and still doesn't, allow physical contact for more then five or six seconds. I understand how she feels that way. It doesn't bother me anymore. Because she is the one person I can always trust to care about me. Once again, my family is excluded from that.
That experience, though, is the one that caused my desire to be touched. Like Tommy.
"See Me/Feel Me/Touch Me/Heal Me"
I think it was those same years that made me such a hard-heart. I really think they shaped me entirley. But my hard heart has been causing problems recently. I suppose you could say that I wish I didn't have it. I wish I wasn't afraid to care about...well. Someone. I wish I could just care. Like a normal person. Without thinking about how stupid I am. How much I don't need him, how much I am better off alone. Because my defensive instinct tells me that I should stay safe and alone. But that part of me that isn't so afraid tells me otherwise. And my head wants me to relax. My head wants me to care without being careful. Because I do care. More than is particularly healthy. But at the same time? I don't. The soft parts of my heart care, and the hard parts won't let me.
I heard something somewhere once that we don't love with our hearts, but with our brains and our souls.
Oh God. How TEENAGE GIRL!!! I hate that. I hate that SO MUCH.
Ugh. I have to end this now.
Oy.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Do you feel alive??
So I was lying in bed last night, not sleeping. As per usual. I was listening to Angels and Airwaves. If you haven't ever heard them... Well, not that it matters. I am putting one of their songs on this lovely {that lovely was for you Leah} blog post. This is not the one I was listening to, but it is my very favorite. It's called "Secret Crowds", and it's off of AVA's (that's the abbreviation, trust me) second--and possibly last--album. I say possibly last, because Tom DeLong was the lead singer, and he was also the lead singer of blink-182, which has recently had a reunion. Ignore all the commas in that sentence. Anyhow, "Secret Crowds":
Yeah, okay, it gets a bit repetitive at the end...but still.
Now that you have heard one of the songs, I can get back to my point.
I was listening to a song by AVA last night. I don't remember which one. And one of the lyrics went, "And now I feel alive." Pretty cliche line, right? I've never really given much thought to it. But I did last night. And I don't get it. Honestly. You ARE alive, aren't you? It's not like you could feel dead. And, okay, that's very childish of me. But here's the truth: I have never not felt alive. Every second of every day, while my heart beats, while I'm breathing, experiencing, loving, learning, living. I am very much alive. Nothing has ever reminded me of it, or made me truly feel it. It just is.
I suppose one day that might change. I might have some earth-shattering experience, or I'll meet someone so phenomenal that suddenly I will be more alive then I was before. But right at this point in time, I can't see that happening. Because, for better or worse, I am very alive, and very aware of it.
How about you? Do you feel alive?
Yeah, okay, it gets a bit repetitive at the end...but still.
Now that you have heard one of the songs, I can get back to my point.
I was listening to a song by AVA last night. I don't remember which one. And one of the lyrics went, "And now I feel alive." Pretty cliche line, right? I've never really given much thought to it. But I did last night. And I don't get it. Honestly. You ARE alive, aren't you? It's not like you could feel dead. And, okay, that's very childish of me. But here's the truth: I have never not felt alive. Every second of every day, while my heart beats, while I'm breathing, experiencing, loving, learning, living. I am very much alive. Nothing has ever reminded me of it, or made me truly feel it. It just is.
I suppose one day that might change. I might have some earth-shattering experience, or I'll meet someone so phenomenal that suddenly I will be more alive then I was before. But right at this point in time, I can't see that happening. Because, for better or worse, I am very alive, and very aware of it.
How about you? Do you feel alive?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The End.
I've just finished watching this movie. It was called...um. Wow. Something about hearts. Huh. I feel dumb. Just a second.
tick.
tock.
tick.
tock.
Right! Untamed Hearts. Sound cheesy? Yeah, that's because it was. Trust me. I mean...it was good. It was "different", according to some people. But really. I saw a movie that was practically identical in storyline. Well, not really. But same basic concept. Except Keith--the other movie--had so much more character development, was SO much easier to relate to...and okay, I have to admit. Keith is the best name EVER. Anyway. Keith. Ignore that it stars Jesse McCartney. He was actually very very good in the movie, nothing at all like the way he usually is. It was a delicious film for anyone in the mood for a chick flick/drama. Go watch it.
And now I'm going to get back to my point about Untamed Hearts. It ended with the words THE END. Which is pretty classic, I suppose. Things ending with 'the end'. Plus--listen to me! It ends with the words the end. But it still bugs me. I hate the end. Because nothing is ever the end, is it? Yeah, okay, the movie is over. But if you think like I do, those characters aren't over. They still have their own imaginary lives to live. So it isn't the end.
If you can't see it that way, it still isn't the end. Anything you watch or read has to have some sort of impact on you. You might not notice, and you could very well call it a waste of time. But it still makes you think. It still occupies your time, and your mind. So it didn't end. It's still with you, no matter how endlessly cheesy it was. Or annoying. Or a waste of time.
It's a good thing I'm done, because Malcom in the Middle just came on.
I still love you, dear.
tick.
tock.
tick.
tock.
Right! Untamed Hearts. Sound cheesy? Yeah, that's because it was. Trust me. I mean...it was good. It was "different", according to some people. But really. I saw a movie that was practically identical in storyline. Well, not really. But same basic concept. Except Keith--the other movie--had so much more character development, was SO much easier to relate to...and okay, I have to admit. Keith is the best name EVER. Anyway. Keith. Ignore that it stars Jesse McCartney. He was actually very very good in the movie, nothing at all like the way he usually is. It was a delicious film for anyone in the mood for a chick flick/drama. Go watch it.
And now I'm going to get back to my point about Untamed Hearts. It ended with the words THE END. Which is pretty classic, I suppose. Things ending with 'the end'. Plus--listen to me! It ends with the words the end. But it still bugs me. I hate the end. Because nothing is ever the end, is it? Yeah, okay, the movie is over. But if you think like I do, those characters aren't over. They still have their own imaginary lives to live. So it isn't the end.
If you can't see it that way, it still isn't the end. Anything you watch or read has to have some sort of impact on you. You might not notice, and you could very well call it a waste of time. But it still makes you think. It still occupies your time, and your mind. So it didn't end. It's still with you, no matter how endlessly cheesy it was. Or annoying. Or a waste of time.
It's a good thing I'm done, because Malcom in the Middle just came on.
I still love you, dear.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Welcome
This poor blog has been needlessly neglected. I feel just terrible about it.
Okay, really, I do. This, unfortunatley, just goes to prove how utterly braindead I've been since I got home from that epic vacation. Ugh.
But this is a fresh start: thus the fresh layout. I keep changing it. I think I'll keep longer when school starts, but it just doesn't seem to suit me at all these days. I wish I knew more HTML. My knowledge far more limited than it should be.
Actually, that seems to be true in a lot of things these days. I wish I knew more about all sorts of things. The problem, though, is that at this current moment in time, I cannot recall ANY of those things. But I'm sure I've been thinking it to myself a whole lot recently...
Okay. So. In the next week, I have to do some hardcore soul searching. Hardcore. Oh my. I think I'll keep it to myself right now, but when I am done, I shall share it with all you wonderful people.
I feel very tired right now. Exaughsted. My brain is failing me. Oy. I just wanted the world to know that I still exist.
welcometotheuniverse.
Okay, really, I do. This, unfortunatley, just goes to prove how utterly braindead I've been since I got home from that epic vacation. Ugh.
But this is a fresh start: thus the fresh layout. I keep changing it. I think I'll keep longer when school starts, but it just doesn't seem to suit me at all these days. I wish I knew more HTML. My knowledge far more limited than it should be.
Actually, that seems to be true in a lot of things these days. I wish I knew more about all sorts of things. The problem, though, is that at this current moment in time, I cannot recall ANY of those things. But I'm sure I've been thinking it to myself a whole lot recently...
Okay. So. In the next week, I have to do some hardcore soul searching. Hardcore. Oh my. I think I'll keep it to myself right now, but when I am done, I shall share it with all you wonderful people.
I feel very tired right now. Exaughsted. My brain is failing me. Oy. I just wanted the world to know that I still exist.
welcometotheuniverse.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Tuesday's With Kyra's Mind 2.0
Humdeedum. Okay, here we go.
When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
You know what? I haven't looked in the mirror today.
How much cash do you have on you?
Absolutley none.
What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?"
floor
Favorite planet?
RIP Pluto
Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Alex, I believe.
What is your favorite ring on your phone?
I have no good rings on my phone. However, I'M GETTING A NEW ONE!!!
What shirt are you wearing?
The '07-'08 Chap theatre shirt.
Do you "label" yourself?
I will ocasionally put labels on my shirt...Hello, My Name Is "fuck you". And the like.
Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?
I am wearing God's brand of shoes.
Bright or Dark Room?
People call my family vampires for a reason, love.
What were you doing at midnight last night?
Midnight here, I was rocking out to some music. Midnight there, I was cursing the sun for keeping me awake.
What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
tommy_boy_lt: I'm SO hungry. Why does Justin have to have a job? We wouldn't be eating sandwiches everyday!
Where is your nearest 7-11?
I'm in the middle of the woods, dipshit. So far, far away.
What's a word that you say a lot?
Imagine. Lame sauce. Shit. Damn. And fuck. I apologize to all those that dislike my cussing, but it's true.
Who told you he/she loved you last?
my dad.
Last furry thing you touched?
Oh God. I just had an utterly disgusting thought. I'll leave the sick minded to ponder that. The last furry thing I touched was my dog.
How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
I have taken three 40 mg doses of Celexa.
How many rolls of film do you need developed?
I take all my photos digitally. But my brother needs two developed.
Favorite age you have been so far?
Uh. Sixteen, I think. Thus far, it's been a pretty good year.
Your worst enemy?
Wisconsin
What is your current desktop picture?
Since I am sharing a desktop with my father's work, it is some wierd digital swirly thing. My desktop at home has dragons on it.
What was the last thing you said to someone?
"You just said it's not nice, Kyra." To my brother.
If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
Definitley flying. What use would I have for a million bucks?
Do you like someone?
No. I hate the entire world.
The last song you listened to?
Hm. I think it was For the Sake of Revenge by Sonata Arctica
When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
You know what? I haven't looked in the mirror today.
How much cash do you have on you?
Absolutley none.
What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?"
floor
Favorite planet?
RIP Pluto
Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Alex, I believe.
What is your favorite ring on your phone?
I have no good rings on my phone. However, I'M GETTING A NEW ONE!!!
What shirt are you wearing?
The '07-'08 Chap theatre shirt.
Do you "label" yourself?
I will ocasionally put labels on my shirt...Hello, My Name Is "fuck you". And the like.
Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?
I am wearing God's brand of shoes.
Bright or Dark Room?
People call my family vampires for a reason, love.
What were you doing at midnight last night?
Midnight here, I was rocking out to some music. Midnight there, I was cursing the sun for keeping me awake.
What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
tommy_boy_lt: I'm SO hungry. Why does Justin have to have a job? We wouldn't be eating sandwiches everyday!
Where is your nearest 7-11?
I'm in the middle of the woods, dipshit. So far, far away.
What's a word that you say a lot?
Imagine. Lame sauce. Shit. Damn. And fuck. I apologize to all those that dislike my cussing, but it's true.
Who told you he/she loved you last?
my dad.
Last furry thing you touched?
Oh God. I just had an utterly disgusting thought. I'll leave the sick minded to ponder that. The last furry thing I touched was my dog.
How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
I have taken three 40 mg doses of Celexa.
How many rolls of film do you need developed?
I take all my photos digitally. But my brother needs two developed.
Favorite age you have been so far?
Uh. Sixteen, I think. Thus far, it's been a pretty good year.
Your worst enemy?
Wisconsin
What is your current desktop picture?
Since I am sharing a desktop with my father's work, it is some wierd digital swirly thing. My desktop at home has dragons on it.
What was the last thing you said to someone?
"You just said it's not nice, Kyra." To my brother.
If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
Definitley flying. What use would I have for a million bucks?
Do you like someone?
No. I hate the entire world.
The last song you listened to?
Hm. I think it was For the Sake of Revenge by Sonata Arctica
Sunday, June 21, 2009
forgetmenot
Well I was reading Amelia's blog just now. I love how reading her blog inspires me to write other blogs almost every time. She was talking about knowing herself, and how she trusts--or, well, doesn't trust--people.
At first I was thinking that I'm exactly the opposite. I trust everyone, right? There are no secrets about me that at least five other people don't know. I'm very open with my past, with my feelings. I suppose that's kind of risky buisness, but I think that people know me best when they know where I'm coming from, and how I'm feeling.
But then I realized that Amelia--and Leah, for that matter--and I are not so different underneath the secrets we do and don't keep. I try to ignore it, but I'm always suspicious of people. I don't trust their friendship, I don't trust their motives. Do they really like me or are they just pretending? I know for a fact that I'm a fair judge of most people--though exceptions do come to mind. But I can't get over this deep-ingrained (is that correct? I don't know. I'll go with it) fear that I can't trust anybody with my friendship. When people don't text me back, I immediatlely suspect it's because I bore them and they don't want to talk to me. When someone gives me a funny look I think it's because they really don't like me. When I see people but they don't see me, I think it's because they're ignoring me.
I know for a fact that most times, none of that is what is actually happening. Most of the time, people really do like me. But it still always shocks me. The first example that comes to mind is during SOS--that's the talent show, for those of you that are unaware. I was talking to three of the Encore Players--one of which I was fully under the impression didn't like me (he's one of those people I really can't read all that well). I was explaining about my phone being chucked out the back of the bus by someone utterly to self-obsessed to get over an old hatred of me. There are people that truly hate me, and they are all the ones who haven't gotten over it. I think I'll tell that story in a later blog. I told these three EP's very briefly that yes, there are people out there that have issues with me, and I know it. They aren't often very public about it--at least not anymore--so I don't tend to talk about it. But all three of them pressed me for details (that I didn't give) because they wanted to "give them a beating". These three made a general agreement that it was absurd for anyone to hate me, I was too...something along the lines of awesome...for that. The one that I suspected not to like me even said goodbye to me later on by calling me "a star". It was kind of a WHOA moment for me. Not only were they big, mighty people on the theatre department totem pole, they were people that I looked up to. And people that had flat out told me that they liked me. That kind of thing always blows me away. People, in my mind, don't like me. They don't trust me. There is only one person in the world that I know for a fact is my real friend, and I don't know what I would do without her.
This feeling of not being liked, not being attractive enough or worthy enough for other people is probably what let me to date Braden, come to think of it. If you don't know that story, I will tell it along with the one about the source of my fear of being disliked. As Leah said, this fear comes from childhood.
I also wanted to mention one more thing in this slowly-becoming-an-epic-of-a-blog blog. Encore Players. These guys are the people that EVERYBODY in the theatre department knows. They're the big-shots, the fancy-pants, the "populars". These people have always had an aura of perfection, of elite-ness to me. Actually, to pretty much everybody. And I've suddenly found myself one of them. I couldn't tell you how the hell it happened, but somehow it has. And I keep thinking, do people look at me the way they look at the other Encore Players? Do I have that aura of being above it all and elite? And I can't help but hope that I don't. Because it's still me. I'm still dorky, out-of-control, and utterly unable to control the things I say. I'll still make mistakes. And I'll still have my old friends. I kid you not, a friend of mine said goodbye to me because she thinks I won't be her friend now that I'm in Encore. I know that was a bit dramatic of her, but still. The thought that people will look up to me, respect me, think I'm so utterly unreachable as a friend that they won't even try, kind of scares me. People aren't even supposed to like me, remember? And suddenly I'm faced with the thought of being practically revered. I know that's how EP is looked at, so nobody deny it. But I can't imagine being revered. It's just...wrong somehow. I'm the one everybody hates. You can deny that too, but I'll always suspect it. But I've somehow found myself among the elite of the theatre.
Okay, I've gotta end that. Not only could I go on forever, but I also really hate thinking about social stucture this late at night--trust me, it's later here than it is there. Maybe we'll all just get over ourselves and be friends with everybody..... Yeah. I wish.
Sigh. Well, goodnight my dears. I shall see you all again in eighteen days.
Iloveyou.
At first I was thinking that I'm exactly the opposite. I trust everyone, right? There are no secrets about me that at least five other people don't know. I'm very open with my past, with my feelings. I suppose that's kind of risky buisness, but I think that people know me best when they know where I'm coming from, and how I'm feeling.
But then I realized that Amelia--and Leah, for that matter--and I are not so different underneath the secrets we do and don't keep. I try to ignore it, but I'm always suspicious of people. I don't trust their friendship, I don't trust their motives. Do they really like me or are they just pretending? I know for a fact that I'm a fair judge of most people--though exceptions do come to mind. But I can't get over this deep-ingrained (is that correct? I don't know. I'll go with it) fear that I can't trust anybody with my friendship. When people don't text me back, I immediatlely suspect it's because I bore them and they don't want to talk to me. When someone gives me a funny look I think it's because they really don't like me. When I see people but they don't see me, I think it's because they're ignoring me.
I know for a fact that most times, none of that is what is actually happening. Most of the time, people really do like me. But it still always shocks me. The first example that comes to mind is during SOS--that's the talent show, for those of you that are unaware. I was talking to three of the Encore Players--one of which I was fully under the impression didn't like me (he's one of those people I really can't read all that well). I was explaining about my phone being chucked out the back of the bus by someone utterly to self-obsessed to get over an old hatred of me. There are people that truly hate me, and they are all the ones who haven't gotten over it. I think I'll tell that story in a later blog. I told these three EP's very briefly that yes, there are people out there that have issues with me, and I know it. They aren't often very public about it--at least not anymore--so I don't tend to talk about it. But all three of them pressed me for details (that I didn't give) because they wanted to "give them a beating". These three made a general agreement that it was absurd for anyone to hate me, I was too...something along the lines of awesome...for that. The one that I suspected not to like me even said goodbye to me later on by calling me "a star". It was kind of a WHOA moment for me. Not only were they big, mighty people on the theatre department totem pole, they were people that I looked up to. And people that had flat out told me that they liked me. That kind of thing always blows me away. People, in my mind, don't like me. They don't trust me. There is only one person in the world that I know for a fact is my real friend, and I don't know what I would do without her.
This feeling of not being liked, not being attractive enough or worthy enough for other people is probably what let me to date Braden, come to think of it. If you don't know that story, I will tell it along with the one about the source of my fear of being disliked. As Leah said, this fear comes from childhood.
I also wanted to mention one more thing in this slowly-becoming-an-epic-of-a-blog blog. Encore Players. These guys are the people that EVERYBODY in the theatre department knows. They're the big-shots, the fancy-pants, the "populars". These people have always had an aura of perfection, of elite-ness to me. Actually, to pretty much everybody. And I've suddenly found myself one of them. I couldn't tell you how the hell it happened, but somehow it has. And I keep thinking, do people look at me the way they look at the other Encore Players? Do I have that aura of being above it all and elite? And I can't help but hope that I don't. Because it's still me. I'm still dorky, out-of-control, and utterly unable to control the things I say. I'll still make mistakes. And I'll still have my old friends. I kid you not, a friend of mine said goodbye to me because she thinks I won't be her friend now that I'm in Encore. I know that was a bit dramatic of her, but still. The thought that people will look up to me, respect me, think I'm so utterly unreachable as a friend that they won't even try, kind of scares me. People aren't even supposed to like me, remember? And suddenly I'm faced with the thought of being practically revered. I know that's how EP is looked at, so nobody deny it. But I can't imagine being revered. It's just...wrong somehow. I'm the one everybody hates. You can deny that too, but I'll always suspect it. But I've somehow found myself among the elite of the theatre.
Okay, I've gotta end that. Not only could I go on forever, but I also really hate thinking about social stucture this late at night--trust me, it's later here than it is there. Maybe we'll all just get over ourselves and be friends with everybody..... Yeah. I wish.
Sigh. Well, goodnight my dears. I shall see you all again in eighteen days.
Iloveyou.
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