forgetmenot

Well I was reading Amelia's blog just now. I love how reading her blog inspires me to write other blogs almost every time. She was talking about knowing herself, and how she trusts--or, well, doesn't trust--people.
At first I was thinking that I'm exactly the opposite. I trust everyone, right? There are no secrets about me that at least five other people don't know. I'm very open with my past, with my feelings. I suppose that's kind of risky buisness, but I think that people know me best when they know where I'm coming from, and how I'm feeling.
But then I realized that Amelia--and Leah, for that matter--and I are not so different underneath the secrets we do and don't keep. I try to ignore it, but I'm always suspicious of people. I don't trust their friendship, I don't trust their motives. Do they really like me or are they just pretending? I know for a fact that I'm a fair judge of most people--though exceptions do come to mind. But I can't get over this deep-ingrained (is that correct? I don't know. I'll go with it) fear that I can't trust anybody with my friendship. When people don't text me back, I immediatlely suspect it's because I bore them and they don't want to talk to me. When someone gives me a funny look I think it's because they really don't like me. When I see people but they don't see me, I think it's because they're ignoring me.
I know for a fact that most times, none of that is what is actually happening. Most of the time, people really do like me. But it still always shocks me. The first example that comes to mind is during SOS--that's the talent show, for those of you that are unaware. I was talking to three of the Encore Players--one of which I was fully under the impression didn't like me (he's one of those people I really can't read all that well). I was explaining about my phone being chucked out the back of the bus by someone utterly to self-obsessed to get over an old hatred of me. There are people that truly hate me, and they are all the ones who haven't gotten over it. I think I'll tell that story in a later blog. I told these three EP's very briefly that yes, there are people out there that have issues with me, and I know it. They aren't often very public about it--at least not anymore--so I don't tend to talk about it. But all three of them pressed me for details (that I didn't give) because they wanted to "give them a beating". These three made a general agreement that it was absurd for anyone to hate me, I was too...something along the lines of awesome...for that. The one that I suspected not to like me even said goodbye to me later on by calling me "a star". It was kind of a WHOA moment for me. Not only were they big, mighty people on the theatre department totem pole, they were people that I looked up to. And people that had flat out told me that they liked me. That kind of thing always blows me away. People, in my mind, don't like me. They don't trust me. There is only one person in the world that I know for a fact is my real friend, and I don't know what I would do without her.
This feeling of not being liked, not being attractive enough or worthy enough for other people is probably what let me to date Braden, come to think of it. If you don't know that story, I will tell it along with the one about the source of my fear of being disliked. As Leah said, this fear comes from childhood.

I also wanted to mention one more thing in this slowly-becoming-an-epic-of-a-blog blog. Encore Players. These guys are the people that EVERYBODY in the theatre department knows. They're the big-shots, the fancy-pants, the "populars". These people have always had an aura of perfection, of elite-ness to me. Actually, to pretty much everybody. And I've suddenly found myself one of them. I couldn't tell you how the hell it happened, but somehow it has. And I keep thinking, do people look at me the way they look at the other Encore Players? Do I have that aura of being above it all and elite? And I can't help but hope that I don't. Because it's still me. I'm still dorky, out-of-control, and utterly unable to control the things I say. I'll still make mistakes. And I'll still have my old friends. I kid you not, a friend of mine said goodbye to me because she thinks I won't be her friend now that I'm in Encore. I know that was a bit dramatic of her, but still. The thought that people will look up to me, respect me, think I'm so utterly unreachable as a friend that they won't even try, kind of scares me. People aren't even supposed to like me, remember? And suddenly I'm faced with the thought of being practically revered. I know that's how EP is looked at, so nobody deny it. But I can't imagine being revered. It's just...wrong somehow. I'm the one everybody hates. You can deny that too, but I'll always suspect it. But I've somehow found myself among the elite of the theatre.


Okay, I've gotta end that. Not only could I go on forever, but I also really hate thinking about social stucture this late at night--trust me, it's later here than it is there. Maybe we'll all just get over ourselves and be friends with everybody..... Yeah. I wish.

Sigh. Well, goodnight my dears. I shall see you all again in eighteen days.
Iloveyou.